Do you know what this is?
Yesterday we went to visit a gorgeous friend of mine, who showed us this hexbug that Santa had brought to their house at Christmas.
When we got home after our visit Benny found it in his pocket (!?!), I had thought then that I should take it away so we wouldn't loose it, but the kids were really enjoying it, so I told Benny to really look after it so we could return it to it's owner at playgroup the next day...
But it got lost, somehow between coming up for a bath and leaving to drop Rebe to school this morning it just vanished.
We started to look for it and to be honest I tore the house apart before 8am.
After I took Rebe to school I thought I'd calmly try and have another look. But, I got more and more frantic; every drawer was emptied, each bed stripped, every basket of toys tipped out, all the books from the shelves and pencils from the box. The more I searched the more frustrated I began to feel, the more like a failure, the more like I can't be trusted, the more like I was letting people down, the more like my time was being wasted, the more like I didn't want more things to be responsible for looking after, the more like the kids didn't care, the more alone, the more cross, the more upset... it went on and on, I was cross with Benny and said mean things, I was cross with the world. I slammed doors and banged around and threatened and cried and shook and raged... and I just couldn't stop! In the end, in floods of tears I phoned Andy and asked if he could have the boys for a while so I could have some space to sort myself out.
As I was driving home from having dropped them off I remembered something I had read only yesterday about events or things in life being like little mirrors of what is going on inside us. I saw immediately that the emotions I was feeling was not about the hexbug at all.
Of course it is only a wee bit of plastic and of course my friend would be completely understanding about the situation. Of course all I really needed to do was to spend a few euro buying a replacement and getting Benny to help me give it to it's rightful owner with an apology.
I realized that the torrent of emotion that it evoked in me belonged to quite other events and situations and happenings that had occurred on the run up to and over the Christmas break...things that I had not felt like talking about!
I had another good cry (just to make sure I had really released all of those pent up feelings), drank a large coffee and ate a (smallish) bar of chocolate and felt much calmer, although very drained.
I also knew that I needed to apologise to Benny and make sure that he knew that the negativity that had come from me was not about him and the hexbug but belonged quite somewhere else all together.
So I wrote him a letter and explained myself as best I could, in terms he could understand. Of course Benny can't read, but he understood the importance of those written words when I read them to him.
I also wanted to make him something, to show how much I love him and how sorry I was:
Thich Nhat Hanh and he hugged me and got on with his day,
Perhaps this would be a good marketing strategy for hexbugs: 'Hexbugs...the tool for the emotionally repressed' ;-P